That nervous pukey feeling

It's that feeling you get before speaking in front of a large group of people. Or going into a BIG job interview might do it for you. For me, it's public speaking. When I know I need to get up in front of people I instantly start feeling sick. First, I feel like I'm going to hurl, then it turns into other stomach issues. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. No? I get the shits! Thanks for making me say it. It completely wrecks me. By the time I get to speaking, I'm using all of my energy to keep from passing out.

Well I have that nervous pukey feeling all day. Only this time it's not public speaking. It's the possibility of some life changing events...good ones. For a long time I have been in a rut. Whether it be on a professional, personal, or creative level. I'm stuck in this loop where it's the same shit, different day. Even though I dislike being in this place, I don't like changes (good or bad) to the monotony. I will kick and scream then throw out the saddest puppy look. Kind of sickening really. This is not how I want to be. I would like to say there was a time I wasn't like this. But thinking about it, I was the exact same way when I was in High School.

Damn...it's easier thinking I haven't always been like this.

Anyway. I have talked and talked about changing things up. Even though I may do something different for a short while I always end up where I started. It drives me crazy. This year it drove me into a depression like I have never experienced. Not a place I would like to return too anytime soon.

During our vacation, Alev and I discussed a few things. Basically it came down to this, we have to do whatever it takes to make the changes we want. No Excuses. No Can'ts. Just Do (I would have said "Just Do It! but afraid of Nike lawyers suing me). So, coming back from vacation we hit the ground running. So far everything is falling into place. We're not quite there yet but I think we can see the light. The light is getting so bright that it's giving me that nervous pukey feeling. Under that pukey feeling is some excitement. You smell that? That's the smell of change!

Actually, it could be me. I told you, my stomach gets messed up in all kinds of ways.